New Year Musings

Today is New Year's eve. Somehow, I just can't get too excited about the start of another year. I know some folks get all dressed up, stay up late and really celebrate, but I just seem to be too tired to do all that anymore. I hope it's just that I still have small children at 44 yrs old.
When we got pregnant with the twins in 2001, Hal Winderweedle said to Frank "What were you thinking?!" Sometimes, I feel the same way. Don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't trade any of my children but my kids demand a lot of energy. Energy I just don't seem to have right now. But, I have learned over the years that the times I just don't have the capacity to cope are the times that the Lord uses to draw me close and teach me the things I won't hear under better circumstances. Wouldn't it be great if we could just look and learn? Not having to experience to live it out in our own life? I tell my children to listen to someone who's older and hopefully a little wiser (myself?) and learn from my experiences and mistakes. Ha! Who am I kidding? I am chief among sinners. I don't listen either. God has taken the experience of child rearing and used it as a hot house for me. Forced growth. I must say it is somewhat painful, but extremely humbling and rewarding. I have so much farther to go, but it is not as far as it used to be.

I have kept a journal off and on through the years and have found it to be therapeutic and a great way to reflect on my life. I haven't taken the time in the last couple of years. I think it shows. I need time to reflect. I need to examine my emotions and my thoughts on paper. When I don't, I tend to lose myself. I forget who I am. I forget why I'm here, why I get up every morning. I just start existing. I start to forget the most important things and start living from the urgent to the urgent. While my primary job here on this earth at the moment is to keep a home, my primary job is not to keep house. When I look around at strewn clothing and shoes, I tend to forget that the people who strew these items are the reason I am here. I am not here to impress anyone with my spotless house,(not that that would ever happen) but to love and grow these little people into responsible adults. Yes, sometimes that means having them pick up, but I must remember to lovingly teach them, not berate them and make them feel like they don't measure up. I finally realized after years of feeling as though I didn't "measure up" that God doesn't measure me by my standard. He measures Jesus in me and he always, always measures up. That's not to say that I don't have responsibility, it's just that he doesn't love or not love me based on what I do or don't do. I have a tendency to tell my children by my actions that my love is less when they do not please me. Why do I do that? I find myself trying to manipulate them by my anger. What absurdity! The goal I am trying to reach is love!! How in the world could I ever achieve this by my anger? Help me see myself as I really am!